UPDATED: Victor doesn’t understand me or the allure of dead rodents.
Conversation between me and Victor: me: Hey, just FYI? I just bought myself a celebration mouse instead of steak. Victor: I already regret asking for clarification. me: Well, I got a good review in...
View ArticleAnd then I used the phrase “Lady Garden” on CNN.
I was on CNN today for some reason to talk about politics and parenting (which is sort of weird since I’m more of a bizarre humorist at best) but I still managed to mention the zombie apocalypse, the...
View ArticlePETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities
Below is an actual email conversation between me and PETA. (FYI: This happened over a year ago and I was going to put it in my book as an addendum to my pets-eaten-by-hobos chapter but it was too...
View ArticleUPDATED: The man deserves a damn medal
UPDATED: SEE BELOW… Today is mine and Victor’s 16th anniversary, which is sort of insane. You might remember last year, when I declared 15 year anniversaries should be marked with unexpected giant...
View ArticleJust to answer your question in advance, I have a lot of small wigs because I...
Victor: Why did you put a wig on the cat? me: Better question: Why do you always assume it’s me? I’m not the only one who lives here, you know. Victor: Hailey? Hailey: Yeah? Victor: Did you put...
View ArticleHold me closer, Tony Danza
This weekend I spoke at the Texas Book Festival and it was very weird, but awesome. Also, Tony Danza opened for me. Or possibly Tony Danza headlined and I just randomly followed him. Either way, it...
View ArticleIt’s probably not racist. Or possibly it’s racist to assume it might be...
Last week I wrote that I had something to share that I thought was funny, but that I wasn’t certain if I could write about it because I wasn’t sure if it was racist or not, and so I asked a black...
View ArticleI blame Steve Jobs for this.
A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced: To her credit, Maile was unflappable and assumed that my deck, dock and cock were all equally well-crafted....
View ArticleI think we all knew the world would end like this anyway.
Original image UPDATED: I posted this and then Facebook immediately crashed. The implosion has begun, people.
View ArticleNancy Pelosi is extremely disappointed in me for destroying the Democratic...
Yesterday my friend Laura and I decided we needed a break so we went camping (fine, glamping) and it was very relaxing until we checked our phones in front of the camp fire and realized that we’d...
View ArticleHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HERE IS YOUR PRESENT. THE CAT IS ON THE CAPS LOCK...
IT IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE A SNIFFLY-ASS NOSE. It should be against the law to not be able to breathe properly on your birthday, but such is the curse of the Capricorn…always having to...
View ArticleHo ho ho. Green ballsack.
I was just wondering if the Jolly Green Giant was made of vegetables, because if so it seems sort of cruel to make him a spokesperson for eating vegetables. I looked it up and it urns out that the...
View ArticleBravery by any other name.
Last week I posted a video of me face-planting into the water. I thought I’d dip my toe in but then I realized how cold it was so I tried to back out but the water was not cooperating because it was...
View ArticleAlso, that fucker ate all the hot pockets.
An imagined open letter from the justifiably disgruntled wife of poet William Carlos Williams, the man who wrote this famed poem: This is Just to Say I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and...
View ArticleShe’s much better at drawing cats now. About the same with Hitlers though.
I wrote this over a year ago but I never published it because it got lost in my draft folder, but I’ve been recovering from food poisoning and I’m at that woozy stage where I think everything is funny...
View ArticleI love your funny face. #WERUINEVERYTHING
So! Last week my friend Maile and I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and it was quite lovely but we decided that instead of posting the typical conference selfies we should change things up a bit and post...
View ArticleI can’t tell if this happened because I have a medical issue or because I’m...
Yesterday I went to pick up my meds and while I was there I handed the pharmacist my prescription for my ADD medication and she was like “Sorry, I can’t fill this one. We can only fill prescriptions...
View ArticleI’m on a lot of cold medication so it’s possible this isn’t as funny as I...
I’m on a lot of cold meds but I thought you’d enjoy. Or not. Stop judging me. I’m sick. They’re in my shop if you want one, but be aware that everyone you wear it around is going to tell you that...
View ArticleThis isn’t a real post
This isn’t a real post. Just checking in to say a few things that I have on my list of things to write about but that I haven’t written about because I haven’t had time to make into a polished …...
View ArticleJesus, you guys. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. But I do have a lot more questions...
Every so often I go look at the search terms that brought people to my blog and then I think STOP DOING THAT. But then I decide that it would make a funny post and share some of them even though …...
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